Is There Anyone out There?

Life gets so busy. Lately, I have been up to my eyeballs in to-do lists. I shouldn’t complain. It is practically a miracle that I started using them again. Some of it may owe to the brain training I have been doing. Maybe it’s man-o-pause…a mid-life crisis. Something clicked in my brain in 2012. After years of big plans with few results I have been trying to pare down the number of activities I am involved with. Better to do a few things well than to do too much poorly. My primary areas of focus have been work, family and getting the Cape Girardeau ADHD Support Group up and running. It’s a tall order and a bit lonely. It’s got me wondering, is there anyone out there?

It’s funny (strange, not haha) how you can get so involved trying to start something with the hope of helping others, but feel all alone. It’s not like I’m all by myself. I’m surrounded by people all the time – at work, on the highway, at home, at the store. In fact, there are moments I just want to be left alone. But, in life, there are moments where the solitude creeps in like a thick morning fog. Pretty soon, you can’t see any more than a few feet ahead of you. The most familiar surrounding soon become unfamiliar and you wonder – especially if you’re driving – what else is lurking out there.

Solitude and loneliness are recurring themes for those affected by ADHD. That solitude, sadly, often extends to their loved ones as well. I know it is something my wife has struggled with and something that weighs on my conscience. It isn’t easy living with me. I have spent years chasing shadows, tilting at windmills, living in a fog (or maybe just buried under a bunch of analogies). It feels like the fog is lifting and more things are becoming clear. I better understand my weaknesses. I am learning to take my time, study things before making decisions and the power of waiting to fight impulsiveness. It’s both liberating and a straight-jacket. Being deliberate is, well, a bitch. I’ve had my Matrix moment, wishing I hadn’t taken the red pill. But, ignorance isn’t bliss. Reality can be cold and hard. But living an illusion, while it might be fun at times, always ends in pain. I’ve made a lot of mistakes – many of the same ones multiple times. Personal finances have bitten me in the backside several times. I’ve chased business schemes like Wile E. Coyote chasing the Road Runner. I think we all know how that ends.

So, now I find myself trying to make up for lost time. Of course, that’s impossible, because, as Austin Powers said, “…that train has sailed…” Still, the element of time drives me to try and improve. I also think more about how I can help others, especially those affected by ADHD. It takes quite a bit of time and effort. With ADHD, it probably takes a little more time than it might for someone else. But, I’m not complaining (not too much anyhow). I made the decision this year that I couldn’t wait until everything was “just right” to take action. Whether you have ADHD, or not, there never is a perfect moment to do anything. Some moments are better than others, clearly. But, if you’re waiting for the moment when you have your act together, you’ll be waiting a very long time. Nobody has it all together.

Making choices can be difficult for anybody. Making choices as someone with ADHD can be excruciatingly difficult. People with ADHD are notorious for over-committing. That’s part of why I had to cut back on the number of things I’m doing. If I try to do too much, it gets overwhelming and then it’s likely that I won’t finish anything. So, I try to narrow the things I attempt to do to two or three big things. I have a to-do list, but the goal is to put one or two things at the top of the list and get at least one done every day or so. It takes effort. It can feel exhausting. It isn’t always fun. It can feel lonely. Sometimes I wonder if there is anyone out there. But, at the end of the day, there is the satisfaction of having accomplished something – even if it is something small.

Postscript: I hope you’ll keep me in your thoughts and prayers – especially with regards to getting people to turn out for our first meeting, May 19th at the Cape Girardeau Public Library from 1-3pm. While there are moments of solitude and loneliness in all of this, there is satisfaction and happiness also. Getting a clearer vision of where you want to go and what is important can be liberating because it allows you to set down some burdens that weighed you down, but weren’t that important. So, like anything, there is good and bad – but mostly good. Hope to see you May 19th.