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Photos of Support Group Meeting Setup
Here are the photos promised showing the meeting room setup from this past Saturday – June 16th.
We currently have the Geraldine F. Hirsch Room reserved for the rest of the year. As you can see it is a very nice space. It has projector capability and access to the community kitchen.
Table meeting setup for Cape Girardeau ADHD Support Group Meeting
There is some really nice artwork on the walls – nicely lit as well. On the table below we had a wide variety of materials available at no cost, including the What We Know about ADHD handouts, pamphlets from MPACT regarding their Parent Mentor program (a program that assists parents with educational issues in the school system, including IEPs, etc.), our support group library of books and other materials available to be borrowed, and more.
We had a wide range of ADHD materials available including the What We Know about ADHD series, our support group library of books and materials available for reading, pamphlets available from the Parent Mentor program from MPACT, etc.
Below is a close-up of one of the tables with the What We Know About ADHD materials available. There are well over twenty different handouts with information ranging from adult ADHD, diagnosis, managing medications in children, parenting and more.
Some of the many materials available at the Cape Girardeau ADHD Support Group Meeting
The Cape Girardeau ADHD Support Group has a small, but growing lending library of books available. There are books covering ADHD from childhood, teens, and adults. Some books are practical and relate to educating children with ADHD. There are books for parents, teachers, spouses and family members and people with ADHD.
Books and other materials available from the Cape Girardeau ADHD Support Group Lending Library
Another view of the support group meeting room from the back facing toward the entry door. Notice the plate of cookies – gluten free…
Another view of the Cape Girardeau ADHD Support Group meeting room
I wonder who ate those cookies?
Who ate the cookies?
It must have been the Cookie Monster! OK, it was me and boy was I happy. Mmm…guten free cookies.
Too happy. I must have eaten too many cookies!
There was some beautiful and interesting artwork on the walls. I particularly liked the bottom part of this three-piece art which read, “Blessed are they who see beautiful things in humble places where others see nothing”.
It says, “Blessed are they who see beautiful things in humble places where others see nothing”.
Here is a picture of the full piece:
One of my favorite pieces of artwork hung on the meeting room wall.
Sometimes we go on what seems a wild goose chase. Maybe we’re meant to catch them or maybe we aren’t.
Wild Goose Chase. A metaphor perhaps?
Some days are meant for daydreaming. This past Saturday may have been just such a day.
Daydreaming on a beautiful day
While we normally wouldn’t take pictures of a support group meeting, due to confidentiality concerns, I made an exception since I was the only one in attendance. Our next meeting is scheduled for July 21st from 1-3 p.m. at the Cape Girardeau Public Library.
Hope to see you at our next Cape Girardeau ADHD Support Group Meeting!
Our meeting dates and times may change to be a set week and day of the month. For example – third Wednesday of the month. If you have any suggestions on meeting schedule please leave a comment.
Hope to see you at our next Cape Girardeau ADHD Support Group Meeting!
ADHD: Out of the Darkness, Into the Light
I have had something akin to an out-of-body experience these past few days. Well, perhaps not an out-of-body experience, but the strange feeling of my present self being somehow disconnected from my past self. It’s as if some stranger walked into my life and made a mess of it and then walked back out again. But, the stranger is me. I messed up my life in so many ways, and now I am fixing it.
It’s been a couple of years now, at 40-plus years of age, that I was diagnosed with ADHD. It explained a lot of the “weirdness” I felt. It was always as if I was different, but could never put my finger on exactly why. I was always told how bright I was, but always had difficulty translating intelligence into action. I have always been good at doing things “on the fly” but never very successful at organizing in advance. For years I had wondered if my difficulties owed to some abnormality in my brain – perhaps related to seizures I had as an infant.
English: Diet Coke (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
So, my diagnosis a few years ago with ADHD – inattentive type – was both a confirmation of my sense of being somehow off or different, as well as a relief. After my initial diagnosis, I resisted going on medication to treat my ADHD. However, after some time passed, and not altogether satisfied with my progress, I obtained a prescription for Adderall XR. Adderall XR was amazing. For the first time in a long time I felt focused and could muster up enough concentration to get things done. However, after some time I began to feel like I was having heart palpitations. I had the feeling of being too aware of my own heartbeat. This may have owed to drinking too much caffeine. I still haven’t managed to wean myself from Diet Coke.
Not caring much for the palpitations, I asked to be put on another medication. My doctor switched me to Strattera. I have heard it said that Strattera often doesn’t work for many with ADHD, but I have been very happy with it thus far. I feel that my concentration – while not always exceptional – is much improved. I also feel that my mood is better with it than without it. My patience level is definitely much higher taking Strattera. Without it I am very impatient and my emotions – especially getting overly upset by very small things – tend to get the better of me.
While medication definitely has improved my life living with ADHD, it has only been part of a process. Sometimes the medication really seems to help, and other times not as much. Recently, I have been trying to utilize some other tools and strategies to improve my ADHD symptoms. One of my strategies has been to lose weight and watch what I eat more carefully. Admittedly, my diet is still not optimal – too much sugar (I love ice cream), but it is much improved and I have lost over 30 pounds from my not-so-distant heaviest weight in recent years.
Image via CrunchBase
Brain exercises have been an important tool in improving my ADHD symptoms as well. I have a subscription to Lumosity and try to do my brain exercises as often as possible. The effect of regularly training my brain has been astounding. The exercises cover everything from speed to attention, and from problem solving to flexibility and more. One of the more impressive results from the exercises has been a marked improvement in my motor skills. At work I drive a fork lift and do quite a few tasks that require a degree of bodily coordination. Normally, I have a tendency to be a little clumsy – some of that clumsiness owing to not always paying attention to my surrounding environment. However, with the brain exercises, I am much less clumsy and have less difficulty with motor skills.
Recently, I began to work on cleaning out my office area which is located in laundry room / unfinished part of my basement. I have been chipping away at this area off and on (mostly off) for quite some time. The past few days I have been working on small piles of paper a chunk at a time. I work 30 minutes going through a pile of paper – setting aside items to file and putting old bills, correspondence, etc. in a garbage bag to be shredded. It’s sorting through all of these papers that I begin to feel like I am outside of my own body. Mind you, there are papers from 5, 6, and 7 years ago. I think to myself, “Was I crazy letting all this crap pile up?” The answer is no. I wasn’t crazy – I just had undiagnosed ADHD.
The process of moving from undiagnosed ADHD, to receiving the diagnosis, going through the various stages (much like the grieving process), and finally to adopting strategies to help deal with my ADHD has been like going from darkness to light. There were so many areas in my life where I was blind to reality. Looking back at how I spent my time, effort, money, and focus I feel a little sorry for the old me. I also just want to slap the old me.
There is still lots of work to do – not only the cleaning up the piles of paper kind, but also working on improving my relationship with my wife. I did lots of stupid things in the past and violated her trust and confidence. It will take time to heal some of those old wounds, but I am intent on binding them. It has been a long and interesting journey so far. It isn’t always pleasant – facing up to the past wrongs is not fun. But there are moments when the light shines and pushes out the darkness. It’s those moments that all the struggles seem worth it.
Related articles
- What We Know About ADHD (capeadhd.wordpress.com)
- The ADHD Label (capeadhd.wordpress.com)
- ADHD and Depression, Anxiety, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and Learning Disabilities (webmd.com)
- Exercise Affects The Brain (medicalnewstoday.com)
- ADHD at 30 (metalmommaa.wordpress.com)
- Finding the Right Work for You: an ADHD Guide | Living with Adult ADHD (edadvocates.wordpress.com)
- ADHD and Emotional Intelligence (capeadhd.wordpress.com)
Adult ADHD: Loving a Man with ADHD
As if loving a man isn’t difficult enough, just to make it interesting, throw in adult Attention Deficit / Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Trust me, as a man diagnosed with ADHD in his 40’s, I have some insights – at least from the man with ADHD side, and a much greater respect for how my ADHD has affected my wife. Rather than re-invent the wheel, after a little Internet research, I ran across a very good article, “Loving a man with ADHD,” that pretty accurately describes the struggles that my wife, and many like her in relationships with men with ADHD, has gone through – and continues to live through to some extent – on a daily basis.
“I would drive Bron crazy, always losing things or forgetting what I’m talking about and she would constantly remind me to do things only to see them half done.” This is how Dave, 53, describes his 20-year relationship with his partner, Bronwyn, 51, before he was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Bronwyn puts it differently: “I thought he was a knucklehead.”
Read more: http://www.theage.com.au/lifestyle/life/loving-a-man-with-adhd-20120117-1q3v1.html#ixzz1s2DtdnVr
Losing things and ADHD go together like peanut butter and jelly.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8MDNFaGfT4]It’s something I have struggled with all my life. Especially as a child. Later, even without knowing I had ADHD, I began to compensate by developing the habit of always putting my keys, cell phone, etc. in the same place. Unfortunately for my wife, those times I failed to leave my keys, etc. in the same place brought out frustration, anger and blame. Difficulty controlling emotions is common in people who have ADHD. So, especially before being diagnosed with ADHD, I quickly became frustrated and angry when I couldn’t quickly find something I needed. Of course, this usually occurred when I was running late. My first question to my wife often was, “Did you move my (fill in the blank)?” She almost never did. Instead, I misplaced the item and she suffered for it. Today, knowing better both my tendency to lose things, and frustration at not being able to find them, I try to always put the things I need in the same place. When I can’t find them I attempt to calmly follow my last steps and ask (not accuse) my wife whether or not she has seen the lost object.
It doesn’t take an expert to know the following:
“Those who have been struggling all through childhood and teenage years and don’t know they have ADHD will particularly experience frustration and self-esteem issues,” says Dr Steve Dawson, a Sydney-based clinical psychologist who specialises in the condition. “Those issues will, in turn, have an impact on their relationships, which is why it’s so important to get an early diagnosis.”
Read more: http://www.theage.com.au/lifestyle/life/loving-a-man-with-adhd-20120117-1q3v1.html#ixzz1s2GuVNCj
My wife, and many like her, soldiered on for over 15 years. There were lots of ups and downs. There were times I wasn’t sure if our relationship would survive. Sadly, for most of that time, I really didn’t understand what she was so upset about. Sound familiar?
Getting tested, receiving counseling and appropriate treatment are critical for treating adult ADHD and the first steps towards resolving marriage problems arising from ADHD and beginning to heal old wounds.
In relationships, the partner with ADHD sees things in black and white and is often difficult to please, rigid, judgmental, uncompromising, negative or lacking empathy, according to author Gina Pera in her book Is It You, Me or Adult ADD?
Confirms Dawson, “Difficulties with executive functions will frustrate partners, who see the ADHD partner as unreliable and disorganised. The partner may expect that if they talk things through, the ADHD partner will improve, but this doesn’t happen easily. The ADHD partner cannot easily change time- and task-management strategies, while poor memory means they might forget important discussions quite quickly. They might also forget other things, like picking up the kids or the shopping.”
Read more: http://www.theage.com.au/lifestyle/life/loving-a-man-with-adhd-20120117-1q3v1.html#ixzz1s2JKjYnx
This inflexibility of ADHD adults can be quite difficult to live with.
They’re also often inflexible. An ability to reprioritize on the fly and shift to whatever is important at the moment is difficult. Whenever they get involved in an enjoyable activity, they find it difficult to get away from. Or they’ll quit if there’s no immediate payoff for what they’re about to do.
My Dad, who has since passed, often had a very black and white view of the world. I also had a very similar viewpoint. Something was either right or wrong – and not just matters of morality, but very small and inane things such as the proper way to cut the grass. If things weren’t done the way I wanted, I became very agitated and frequently this came out in an angry outburst. For my wife these outbursts were very unpleasant and caused a great deal of tension between us.
Since being diagnosed with ADHD I still struggle with being inflexible, but am learning to let go at least a little bit. Not everything can be controlled. Especially at work, where I am a shift supervisor at a plastics recycling company, I have come to realize that the work is accomplished through the efforts of others. It isn’t so important that any particular task is accomplished in a specific way. The most important thing is that tasks are accomplished in a safe and efficient manner.
Returning home, living with and loving a man with ADHD can be a challenge:
Another big frustration is the way ADHD affects communication as the sufferer changes topics, interrupts or drifts off. The problem is not that people with ADHD don’t think, but that they think too much. “People with ADHD tend to have multiple, competing thoughts that can distract them from the topic at hand,” says Dawson.
Dave agrees. “I have trouble staying engaged; my mind is running 10 different things at once. I also have less tolerance for things that are boring to me. My brain is constantly looking for stimulation or activity, and if things slow down, then I have to find something to be stimulated by. Someone could be talking and instead of concentrating on what they’re saying I’m lining up the lines in the carpet to keep my mind occupied.
“Bron would say I wasn’t listening because I didn’t care,” he continues. “I would turn that back on her and tell her to ‘stop carrying on’, but really it was my own inability to stay focused I was trying to cover up.”
Read more: http://www.theage.com.au/lifestyle/life/loving-a-man-with-adhd-20120117-1q3v1.html#ixzz1s2NbZvKC
For me, communicating can be extremely difficult. Written communication is not as difficult, but speaking and listening can be very frustrating. My wife often had sentiments as expressed above – especially believing that I just didn’t care. Caring is rarely the problem. One of the challenges in having a conversation for me is following and keeping focused on what, for me, is a long and drawn out story. This is especially true if there is anything distracting going on in the background such as the television, dog barking, loud noise outside, etc. I finally arrived at the point of communicating this challenge clearly to my wife. If she wants to have a more meaningful conversation with me, the television needs to be turned to a very low volume or muted. Even the TV images can be distracting. Anything interesting or stimulating in some way is likely to pull my attention away from what she is saying.
I also think that women have a tendency to weave fairly complex stories. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it requires a great deal of attention to follow the “plot”. My wife might tell how her day went, the projects she is working on, and mention the people she interacted with. Put all together it becomes more and more difficult for me to follow. My attention has a tendency to “flicker” and I miss parts of her story. I end up asking questions that reveal I wasn’t paying attention to everything she said and her reaction is that I don’t listen because I don’t care about her. Nothing could be further from the truth. I love her very much. She is the most important person in my life. It’s just a matter of difficulty following all the details of what she is saying in light of lots of other distractions.
My suggestion to anyone married to a man with ADHD or in a relationship with one is to eliminate as many distractions as possible if you want to have a meaningful conversation. Try and tailor your story in light of the limited attention your significant other with ADHD has. Try not to take it personally if he misses some detail. If he looks lost or distracted, he probably is. Try and gently bring him back. Don’t be afraid to let him know it hurts when you feel he isn’t listening to you, but try to not frame how you feel in a negative light accusing him of not caring. If he knows how you feel, and that it is important to you that he try to pay attention, you might be pleasantly surprised that he will make an attempt to pay attention. When he does pay attention, offer some praise. Men in general, and especially men with ADHD, like to get some praise now and again. It’s stimulating and interesting. Remember too that while everyone suffers from a certain degree of being mentally taxed after a long day at work, people with ADHD can find the work day to be very taxing on their attention.
Personally, I often come home from a hard day at work and just want to vegetate for a while. I just need some down time to recover before I re-engage in any activity that requires more focus. So, in light of this, you might consider what times and days are the best times to have an important conversation. It might be better on the weekend. Perhaps morning is better than night – before attention is taxed. Many with ADHD, like me, tend to be night owls, so you might want to try to talk to him at night when he may be more focused and alert. The important thing is to try to discover what works best for both of you. Try and remember that paying attention and caring aren’t the same thing. That doesn’t excuse not paying attention. Part of caring for another person is paying attention to them, but for someone with ADHD it takes significantly more effort to do what, for many, seems to be something simple.
Frustration and anger, as pointed out earlier, are also a very common source of conflict seen in marriage and relationships affected by adult ADHD.
Add difficulty with managing frustration to this and anger can escalate. “I get worked up and then lose it pretty quickly, which would put Bron on the defensive and we’d fight,” says Dave. According to Dawson, people with the more hyperactive type of ADHD will be “more reactive, inclined to respond impulsively or be hurtful without stopping and thinking, and this can be difficult for a partner”.
Pera writes that the adrenalin stimulation from fighting can actually make people with ADHD feel calmer and they can unknowingly pick fights as a form of self-medication. This can leave the non-ADHD partner questioning their own sanity. These frustrations, if left unaddressed, can see a partner ready to walk.
Read more: http://www.theage.com.au/lifestyle/life/loving-a-man-with-adhd-20120117-1q3v1.html#ixzz1s2Ug3Cpn
A hair-trigger temper, unfortunately, often goes hand-in-hand with adult ADHD. I can get frustrated and have an angry outburst in seconds over seemingly stupid things. While I am getting better (I think, you might want to ask my wife), it isn’t always easy to fight this tendency. A lack of inhibition and inability to hit the “pause button” can cause me to say things I don’t mean. In the past I often used to jokingly say something to my wife and end up hurting her feelings. I’m learning to pause and think before I speak. When I get angry I, more often than not, wait before I say something. The first thing that pops into my head often is not the right thing to say. Combined with inflexibility, quickness to anger can be an ugly combination. Proper diagnosis, counseling, in combination with the right medication can make a huge difference. For me, ADHD medication has made a world of difference. Yes, I still get angry. Yes, I still hate it when somebody tries to tell me it’s going to be OK or that I am overreacting.
However, I more often realize when my anger is coming on and when it is not appropriate. I am better able to get outside of my own head and see things from a different point of view. I’m not always as flexible as I ought to be, but I am aware of that part of my personality and try to be more accepting of different ways of accomplishing tasks, different opinions, etc. The process takes time and likely will last a lifetime, but with time issues with anger and other inappropriate emotional responses can improve.
Receiving an ADHD diagnosis is the first step toward a better life for both the person with ADHD and for the one(s) they love. However, it can be a painful process.
Receiving the diagnosis was a relief for Dave, who is able to “laugh at some things now”, but it also presented a new challenge. “I have a really good understanding of it, but I’m also grieving the loss of being ‘normal’. I have to work so hard to do things other people seem to do easily, it’s upsetting.”
A diagnosis of any kind can commonly cause a grief reaction: shock, denial, anger and depression all come before acceptance. For Bronwyn, the diagnosis made a lot of sense and she says it was liberating “knowing the reasons why he did what he did. I’m more tolerant and patient now.” She also needed support to come to terms with the diagnosis and its effect on Dave.
Says Dawson, “A sense of loss is common – sadness that for all those years it could have been different, especially if earlier treatment had enabled someone to function at a level closer to their potential.” Continued support is vital. Dawson helps clients to understand ADHD, then to come to terms with the associated issues, and finally to develop practical strategies to deal with symptoms.
Read more: http://www.theage.com.au/lifestyle/life/loving-a-man-with-adhd-20120117-1q3v1.html#ixzz1s2ikMzYI
I can attest to the truth in the above. On the one hand, receiving the ADHD diagnosis was a relief, it does make me sad sometimes knowing that doing seemingly simple things can often be very difficult for me. But, along with that sense of loss, there is optimism, knowing that I have ADHD gives me a chance to better understand how my brain lives and gives me the opportunity to more fully fulfill my potential.
Improving your relationship still may not be easy, but you don’t have to do it alone.
Dave and Bronwyn saw a relationship counsellor who helped them manage conflict. “We found the problem started when all Dave was hearing was ‘blah blah blah’ and not me,” says Bronwyn. “Through counselling we both realised it wasn’t because he didn’t want to listen, but because he was genuinely struggling with it. This reduced the arguments because we both understood why we were having the problems and how to work with them. Now we can blame the condition instead of each other.”
Read more: http://www.theage.com.au/lifestyle/life/loving-a-man-with-adhd-20120117-1q3v1.html#ixzz1s2ki7VWX
Choosing counseling is, of course, a personal decision. For some, it may be a necessary step to begin the healing process. It can help the non-ADHD person understand the perspective of the person with ADHD and vice versa (the other way around). Shifting away from blame and toward understanding can reduce conflict and point the way toward solutions.
For men with ADHD, realize that you are not alone – many others, some well-known, have blazed the trail before you.
Dave also did his own research and took comfort from finding himself among impressive peers: Justin Timberlake, Richard Branson and Jim Carrey all have ADHD. He also repaired his dented self-esteem by reminding himself of all that he had managed to accomplish despite the condition. His family – the couple have four adult children – tops the list.
Read more: http://www.theage.com.au/lifestyle/life/loving-a-man-with-adhd-20120117-1q3v1.html#ixzz1s2m8gaxE
It helps to have real-life examples of others who have succeeded while living with ADHD. In fact, Jim Carrey and Justin Timberlake epitomize the zany humor that many with ADHD often exhibit. For me, Timberlake, is a particularly inspiring example as he has both ADHD and OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). I’m not sure I would even get out of bed in the morning with both ADHD and OCD, but Timberlake has gone from child celebrity, to successful boy band member, to successful single artist, to actor, and in his spare time he has had some hilarious comedy skits on Saturday Night Live.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRIW4_cB8Z0]Oh, there’s so much good Justin Timberlake stuff out there. Did you know he can sing too? Here he is with Jimmy Fallon showing that singing can be funny, entertaining and leave you standing on your feet in the end.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=YGKXAx-5BdI]Over time both partners can come to an acceptance of living with ADHD.
Dave now recognises there are advantages to having ADHD, including loyalty, creativity, a great sense of fun and the ability to be empathic once feelings are understood. “It’s a different way of being, a different normal,” he says. “It’s who I am; I have strengths and weaknesses, but I’m still me.”
Bronwyn has come to her own place of acceptance, too. When asked if there are any positives to Dave’s ADHD she lists “good in a crisis, playful, adventurous and outgoing”. Then she pauses. “I don’t know if the positive qualities are Dave or the ADHD, but I guess it doesn’t matter. There’s a lot to love about him.”
Read more: http://www.theage.com.au/lifestyle/life/loving-a-man-with-adhd-20120117-1q3v1.html#ixzz1s3HWVGz2
Loving a man with ADHD can be a challenging journey. As a wise man once told me, a marriage (or relationship) is a living, breathing thing. So, take the time to live and breathe. Pause and reflect. Learn to see the good as well as the bad. No relationship is perfect. Love and ADHD are not incompatible. It may take time, but if both of you are committed to making the time and effort to understand each other, things will get better. I know.
Related articles
- What We Know About ADHD (capeadhd.wordpress.com)
- Announcing Cape ADHD Support Group (capeadhd.wordpress.com)
- The ADHD Label (capeadhd.wordpress.com)
- Mindfulness and Adult ADHD (psychologytoday.com)
- ADHD and Emotional Intelligence (capeadhd.wordpress.com)
- Breaking the Silence of ADHD Stigma (psychcentral.com)
Sh*t no Adult With ADHD Says
Well, here’s a whole list of stuff you’ll never hear an adult with ADHD say. Wait, I think I said something on the video once. Oh, wait, that was my wife. Anyhow, enjoy.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=AeC040DqzFk]ADHD and Emotional Intelligence
From ADHD and Marriage site:
My husband is very selfish, often misreads my actions/words, doesn’t ever have empathy or sympathy for other people. Put it this way…someone dies…he’ll laugh. He also is highly defensive and always looking to argue. He likes it…I think he’s comfortable being angry. He’s very disrespectful to me…not sure why I still stay. Do people with ADHD have low Emotional IQ?
He seems to have difficulty building depth and truth in relationships…he often thinks I’m the enemy. I’m often told I’m weak, too sensitive…its always something and never calm and miscommunication is at the 90% level. Even when we try to talk something out, he can’t control himself from being angry, mean and blaming me. No matter how nice I try to speak and all the apologies I utter (to the point I don’t even know why I’m sorry)…there is no stepping outside himself.
Is there something wrong with my emotions or is it him? Someone keeps attacking you and its kind of hard not to believe whats said…I’m smarter then that but I can’t help but question myself anymore. I’ve taken EQ tests and have scored very high…do ADHD people have lower EQ and are they able to improve on it? Is there any hope for someone that grew up in a pretty unstable, emotionless, abusive environment to ever really feel? Why does it take extremes to change and why do people with ADHD forget so soon about things that they may have improved on?
Maybe I I’m searching for hope that it can get a little bit better. I’m probably at the lowest point I’ve ever been…self esteem and confidence crushed. I know the answers…why am I choosing to suffer and live this life? I guess no one can answer that myself but I hope I figure it out soon.
For some ideas / answers to the above click here.
From personal experience, as someone diagnosed with ADHD in adulthood, and also “afflicted” with being a man, there is much truth in the spouse’s observations. I have difficulty at times fully feeling the pain of others. More often than not I will only give a very cursory acknowledgement of how others feel. It isn’t that I don’t feel anything, but it can be challenging for me to bring my own emotions to the surface. I often have a lengthy inner dialogue regarding the situation, and may even think of something I want to say, but it is often too late to offer any timely words of sympathy. It makes me feel bad not being to offer up a few encouraging words.
Another issue that has affected my relationship with my wife is the fact that I don’t always interpret situations correctly. One of the interesting things after being diagnosed with ADHD has been realizing that my self-perception / self-image wasn’t always accurate. When my wife and I filled out the ADHD questionnaire for my counselor, many of our answers were very different. The way my wife perceived me and the way I perceived myself were often not the same. It was pretty shocking. Some of the things were simple like being much more fidgety than I realized. I wasn’t as aware of my poor follow through, tendency to interrupt, etc. as my wife was. I tended to get very defensive if my wife criticized me or pressured me to do something. She tended to attribute my lack of follow through as lack of caring. I had difficulty seeing where she was coming from. While I still don’t always get things right, I am learning to get outside of myself and try to see things from her perspective.
Living and loving someone with ADHD isn’t always easy – but it can be worth it. Marriage is a partnership and you deserve a partner you can depend on. Your love, patience, understanding and support mean more than you will ever know. That doesn’t mean that you resign yourself to how things are today. I have room for improvement, but I wouldn’t be where I am today without my wonderful wife. She makes me want to be a better man.
Cape Girardeau ADHD Support Group 